I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
