A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
