If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
