I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
