did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
