I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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