mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
