My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
