the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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