Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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