Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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