My liver just broke up with me...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need moral support for this bender
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
