As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
