I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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