Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
