I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
