I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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