and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
