Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
