you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
the liver wants what the liver wants
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have fence marks all over my body
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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