I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
