Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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