i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize