Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
