Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
