the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
