Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
