totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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