I haven't been this sober since birth.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
