she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
