On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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