Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize