I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
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