I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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