also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
