Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
