You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
