??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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