At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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