there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
