Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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