new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize