I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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