bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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