All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
