Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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