Life is so much better after having sex.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize