Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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