after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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