You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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