I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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