he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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