it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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