i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
