Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Enjoy the penises
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
