Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Michael Bay diarrhea
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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