I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
