I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
