I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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