remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
