I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
