I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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