Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
