well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
