why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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