how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
